Letter to a girl that used to be my bestfriend

I’m too much for you to handle. I’ve known that for a long time. My emotions are a whirlwind and unlike you who seems to have found joy and happiness in God and outside of me, I haven’t and I cannot help but feel like I deserve happiness too. I’ve required too much of you that I couldn’t even give myself. I’ve depended on you so heavily for so much for so long, I can literally see you break your back trying to contain all of me. I can’t keep watching you hurting when I know I’m the cause. Why haven’t you walked away already? I’m toxic to you and maybe I need to leave to make room for you. This isn’t goodbye. This is the end of a chapter that taught us so much, but the pages have to be flipped. I have to keep writing my story and you yours and at this point, it will be best if we did it apart. Maybe there’ll be a next time, but I can’t guarantee that.

You know how sometimes you see a stranger, exchange a few pleasantries and tell each other how you’ll see them later but in your heart of hearts, you know that you might never see them again? That’s how I feel doing this. I know this could be forever, but I need to do this. It’s probably the hardest decision of my life. I’ll see you every single fucking stress-filled day. You’re in my classes, you’re friends with my friends and I with yours. I will see you and know that I cannot talk to you because I was the who initiated this split. I will cry lonely tears in my bed at night because even though I need this to happen for me, it will break my heart and tear me apart. You’ll cry too, but you’ll be fine. He will make sure that you are. I’ll be fine. I’m going to start looking for God in all the broken pieces of me that I neglected earlier. People will not stop asking us what happened and some will not hesitate in concluding that it’s because you found a boyfriend and I didn’t. That’s not it. Well, maybe it contributed. I’ve never been number one in anyone’s life and for a bit, I thought I was in yours but too many things made me realize I was holding on to fool’s gold. I didn’t get notice with this new association, I couldn’t prepare myself for the back seat. It’s fine anyway because that’s not the only thing that showed me I was worse than I thought. I always needed affirmation and approval from you that I rarely if ever got and it made me turn bitter toward you. I understand now that people show love in different ways and maybe I didn’t understand yours.

I’m not trying to fix anything now. It’s probably too late for that anyway. I wish you all the best in your relationship though. Make it last. You have a tendency for giving up on things when they are not going the way you dreamed. You do not like to fight. Or maybe I’m the one you got tired of fighting for. I cannot say whether this is good or bad, only that when things go left for a bit, it makes the people that you are with feel like they do not matter enough to you. I have a knack for fighting for all the wrong reasons and giving up on the things I should have kept, but this is an exception. This is a fight I wanted to pursue, but I hate to lose so I’m tired of fighting. It’s just that we’re not working out. I’m toxic to you and you are the same for me and inasmuch as I can say that you deserve better, I like to think that I do too.

It was great while it lasted friend. Maybe I need to go and find my calm. If in five years I see you somewhere, I hope I would have grown enough to say a hi and not cry.

P.S: I typically leave people without saying goodbye. (You probably know that already). I think you at least deserve that from me. I don’t want you thinking it was you(apparently all my actions seem to throw the blame on you). This time it’s me.

And to my other friends, I’m sorry that I dragged you all into this. I’ll learn to handle my own shit from now.

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